8D 
*points at the name of this journal*
8D 

Ahm, anyways. I wanted to push back the old emo journal, and since I found out that my LJ has some new audience, I felt the urge to put up something... More fresh. :D 
Although there's not much to talk about at the moment. I spend my days or with friends, or with my aunt, or at work ( 12 hours shifts in a clothing store in a shopping center in Prague ), or I'm teaching this boy english and german. He failed these two subjects at school last year, and now he pays me to teach him in 2 months something he should have learnt during the last schoolyear. Yay. I don't know if I'm a good teacher, but I'm doing my best to make him manage it, and I do hope he will. Because otherwise I'll feel useless, and I am sure he will, too. XD

Hmm... Also seems that I've found a new photographer. >) Apart from the fact that she's nice and toootally awesome and lovely, she offered me a hand.. Or rather, a camera XD Oh god now that sounds nasty. Quite intentionally. XD
Anyways, if it works out, be prepared for some kickass Lara Croft photos! =D

Today I stumbled across Jean Michel Jarre, Vangelis and Kraftwerk after at least 5 years. Damn, when I listen to Equinoxe, El Greco or Autobahn now, I feel as if I was 13 again. XD Noone should ever tell me that electronic music is not music. I mean, everyone likes Enjoy The Silence, Stripped or Personal Jesus from Depeche Mode! 

Meh. No plans for tonight, so I am off to watch some movies and do nothing all day. Gotta love holidays. XD And I just wanna enjoy my free time till I can, because it's gonna be no fun starting September. Ah, I don't even wanna think of that! >;__;<

That should be it for now,
Over and out.
xx

 It's been a while since I've felt like, really down. The last time was before my breakup, I believe. Today it just somehow came upon me, and unfortunately I couldn't think of anything to avoid it taking over me and ruining my day big time. 
One of my biggest problems is that I'm starting to feel lonelyin the cosplay-community-way. I don't know any czech cosplayers, and I don't even know if I want to get to know them - all they do is Naruto or gothic lolita. And jesus, that really isn't my cup of tea. o___o
I want someone to cosplay with. I wish I had someone I could share my hobbies with - none from my friends even knows Final Fantasy, and if I say "yaoi", they think it means good morning in japanese. *sigh* >__> Cosplay is so much fun in a group, with a bunch of friends you can have some fun with, or even with one single person who joins you - when I'm alone it just isn't as much fun, and I'm kind of getting tired of that. 
When I started my relationship with my last ex, I even considered quitting cosplay, which I -LUCKILY- didn't. She had no interest in my cosplaying, just like 99% of the people around me. And that is so, so very demotivating! 
I'm just dreaming of meeting some people who'd share my interests with me and wouldn't live hundreds of kilometers away from me. Cosplay has become an important part of my life and I want it to stay that way - I won't let anyone take me off of it like that ever again. And if I ever again meet someone who'd ever refer to it as "silly crossdressing", I'm gonna let that person talk to my hand. 

On another topic, I was curious so I started listening to Gackt. And I have to say that I really started to like him, all of the sudden. Yeah, he's an J-rock icon, so it was some sort of a must-do, to listen to something from him. And well, I do like him quite alot ^.^
I'm really tired now, so I guess it's time for me to leave. To be continued.. Or maybe not. 

x

I am feeling so good recently, I almost can't believe it's really me in this skin!
Love makes people happy, I've always known that. But love of this kind makes people fly, and that's something awesome. I am so very much in love with her that it's almost riddiculous, and I don't care what anyone else might think about us. I just want to be with her, no matter what we will have to face or go through. Because we have each other and even in the hardest times I am willing to stand by her side.
It will most probably be a little bit difficult for her family isn't really fond of one of their daughters being gay. But I totally respect that and am willing to do alot to make it easier for them, as long as they do the same for us. Besides, I couldn't take her having problems at home because of me. It's strange, because I have never met such an attitude from the side of my girlfriend's family - they always were so friendly and caring. But that's probably still the complex of our stubborn, stiff czech society. Thanks god for my parents who would never make any problem out of it.. I really do appreciate it now.

In other news, I might be quitting cosplay soon. It's too expensive and I have noone to cosplay with - those are my only reasons. I really love to be around all the people and have fun with them, but I really don't think I can afford going to Germany for that every time. ^_- I've got other priorities recently - my girlfriend, that's number one, then a successful graduation from high school and after that - who knows. I'll need a job and a flat, I'll go to university, and I just don't see any space for cosplay in there anymore. I know it can go together, I am just not living in the right place for it I guess.
Animuc is in one week and yes, I am looking forward! It's a bit scaring me that Katja might not be able to attend it and I'll have to find my way around by myself (at least till I find Raven and guys and totally stick to them not to get lost somewhere XD ) but I'll manage! I'm a big girl, god damn it! XD I am also looking forward to the following week because if the weather stays like this (blue sky and SUNSHINE! *___* ) I am willing to spend DAYS in the city of Munich and just walk around and enjoy the place. I think Katja will hate me at the end of it. XD 

I am going to my cousin's place tonight, we'll order some pizza, drink wine and watch movies and it will be once again a totally perfect girls-night-in. XD I need to DO something, because being alone in here makes me think of my girl all the time and it's only making me desperate because I can't be with her.
Oh god, she's so lovely. I'd love to hold her all the time. She's so cuddly and cute and beautiful! *______*
Ah, I'll shut up now. XD 

Oh, and happy Easter everyone! ^___^

I am in a relationship. ^^
With the most adorable, beautiful and amazing person I could ever wish for. I am happy to have found her and I am so, so happy to have her.
I want to do everything I can to make her happy with me. I want to give her all I've got and I want to change her life. To the good, of course.
She's as crazy as me, and with her I have the greatest fun ever. When she holds my hand it sends chills running down my spine, and the way she kisses me is making my heart stop. She's so sexy and beautiful, and so very smart.
I don't know what did I deserve her for, but I will treasure her for she feels like a gift to me. A gift to be protected, loved and treasured.
And I think I love her..
And I want to discover more. I want more of her. All the time.

People come, and people leave. Some leave a big mark on my life, some smaller, and some none at all. I was mistaken, and it hurted, but there are certain developments that put a plaster over my wounds and took over me completely. Call me an emotionally disballanced and crazy teenager.. ^_^;
I'll deal with this. We'll be friends, and I am sure we'll be exceptionally good and close friends. And I am happy and very, very grateful for still being allowed to have the wonderful You in my life. But like I said before - some things aren't and weren't mean to happen.. Let's keep it that way. I am sure it will be better for the both of us.
I have to thank all my wonderful friends for the support they offered me and for encouraging me. <3 What would I be without YOU??

There's this new person who has appeared in my life though. And I want to share my impression of her with you. She descended from the sky like a snowflake and covered my heart with her sweetness. She's beautiful, like an angel, like a dark, enchanting angel. We seem to have alot in common, and I can't wait to meet her. She wants to show me some of her favorite spots in Pilsen (might very probably be my schooltown in the future - Pilsen was the second plan after Prague, the more probable one either), and somehow I am sure that I will.. Love it all.
We met online by a complete accident, and at the end of our long, long conversation we agreed that we just need to meet. It feels great, because she is so close to me and we'll be able to see each other anytime we want. That's making me happy! ^^

Life IS beautiful after all! ^^ And Raven, you were right.. There does come a sunshine after the storm. A beautiful and warming one. ^^

I have been thinking alot recently, about my life, and about the things that are connected with it. And I have realised a couple of things that I need to write out.
I've discovered that I am tired of searching and begging for love. I am tired of being the one who has to take the initiative, grab the situation tight in my hands and act. The fact that it has always been like that does prove one thing. And that is, that if in the past I hadn't made the 'first step', if I hadn't taken the risk, nothing would have happened. I would be alone all the way, I would sit here and drown in my loneliness and frustration of being the unwanted lesbo. It feels sort of degrading, at some points - even now.
But is it really that bad? Damn it, I know that if I lived in another city, in another country, things would be different. I would have the opportunity of meeting all the people that I only keep dreaming of, I would be able to find a girlfriend that I could spend sick number of days and nights with, I would be a part of the actual life - that obviously takes place beyond the borders of my country. My only long-term relationship was with a girl from a foreign country. I know - I don't like czech girls. It's something that's in me and I can't do anything about that. All my attempts for a relationship with a czech girl were major fails. There was always something missing, something I need too badly in a relationship. I need the sort of mystery in it. The feeling of getting something that I wasn't made to have. The spice. The amazing, boosting-up and exciting spice of the foreign girls. A sort of fetish, maybe? Let it be so. I don't care.
Paralell with the life I am bond to live now, this is impossible for me. I have found out that if I am in love, I need to be loved back equally. I am in a desperate need of a physical contact with the person, I need to be able to spend as much time with them as I want. And that has always been impossible. I don't know if I can take it again.
The point of this is, that I think I might be succesfully falling in love - and I am about to start torturing my heart again. You know how love is - there's nothing really you can do about it, and the more you try to fight it to keep your mind clear, the more it strikes back and manages to take over you.
It wasn't my intention to whine in this journal. I was just trying to make things clear, for myself in the first place. I hate to be alone. But honestly, who doesn't? Man wasn't made to live the life alone. I am not afraid to fight for what I want, I am not afraid to go for it. And I am in no way afraid to do whatever it takes to be finally happy. But why does it always have to be me? I want to know how it feels to be the one being fought for. Being desired and wanted at any costs.
Maybe, maybe I am just giving too big meaning to my feelings and expecting too much. Maybe?
The conclusion?
I will let things happen as they come. I won't be standing in the way of anything, and I will see what life gifts me with. And if it doesn't work out? If I get my heart broken? Well... That's still life, right? ^.^
I am a scared of the future, I am scared of losing something precious. But I am also determined to do everything I can to go my way. To get what my heart yearns for. To make something out of my life. And maybe, to finally becoming happy with things as they are.

Homecoming is supposed to feel good. Well, there must have occured a mistake then, because now coming home hurted more than ever.
For how many times did she whisper "Stay, stay here with me" into my ear, and for how many times did I have to give her the negative answer just by looking into her eyes.
I know, I was born here, I grew up here, I have my friends and my family here.. Still I keep having the feeling that this is not where I belong. I just know that I wasn't made to stay here, in this country, surrounded by these people. Noone and nothing here is able to fulfill my dreams and plans. I know, it's not about what we expect from life, but about what does the life expect from us - I feel that my life has high expectations of me, and I am willing to do my best to fulfill those.

At certain times  felt strongly attracted to the area of BeNeLux. Because of friends I had there, because of my ex, because of the language and maybe.. Because I used to love it there. Used to? Yes, used to. I came to learn that not everything is how it might seem to be at the few.. Couple of sights.
I keep on studying the language, but I can now certainly say - I don't want to live there. I just don't, although I used to be sure that it's the place for me. Well, I was wrong - everyone makes mistakes. That's how life goes.

I don't want to make rushed conclusions, but I am sure that I want to be in Germany. No matter what happens. Even if I should postpone my studies to learn some money, which is something I never wanted to do.. I will do it if that's what it takes. I want to stay with Katja, I just want to be around her. I want to feel so loved as only she makes me feel. I want to live in Munich, the impressive city of my dreams, no matter how silly that sounds - I just want to walk through its streets and call it "my hometown". I want to make my german perfect, I want to enter the S-Bahn and not get lost immediately.. XD I just want it all. And I will do everything for it. Everything.
I got a taste of it, I met nice people who welcomed me among themselves without the slightest hesitation, and I fell in love.
I honestly can't wait until april when I can breath in the chilly Munich air again, when I can cuddle up in Katja's embrace again, when we can walk around in our costumes and get funny looks again. *sigh*
The fact that Raven and Anicia will be there make it sound like even more fun ^.^
God, please, make the time run faster..

I am off to Munich in 4 hours and I am FUCKING. EXCITED.

I really suck at packing stuff btw.

TATA! 

P.S.: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH 8D 

I am SO excited about my weekend in Munich! 8D 

I am attending an Animexx-meeting with Katja, nothing big but I am still very much looking forward, MAINLY because we're going to a photoshoot before that - Sandra invited us. *__* That will be a total epic winnage and I SO want to have pictures with all of them! Let's see if I can persuade Katja to be my Larxene.. <3
 I will (most likely) not have slept for more than 24 hours by the time we'll be leaving Katja's place, but I don't give a damn! Not. At. All! A lot of make up, coffee and hugs should make it up ^^

Waah I am so nervous! XD Wish me luck. I love meeting new people and I love travelling, I just wish I wasn't such a wussy XD

YEAAAAAAY 8'D

It's been ages since I decided to write something. I can't seem to find the right mood for it. Not that I would be in the ideal mood for writing my heart out here right NOW, but well, I am bored to death and I need to DO something, otherwise I'll go crazy.
The biggest news of the recent week is probably that my school report was better than I expected! I only got two 3's (chemistry and physics - CHEATING WINNAGE XDD ) and a few 2's. I was the 4th best in our class and just.. YESS >D A couple of things did piss me off about my marks, but those are just cosmetic details that I'll certainy improve as the second halfyear passes.
Apart from that, I finished my Greed costume ^__^ I am so proud of him. I admit, I am not muscular and tall enough for him, but still I feel great wearing it. There are photos of it to be seen at my dA and Animexx. Speaking of which, I should overwrite that emo journal I wrote there with something more fitting my mood these days. Also, I should avoid writing in english there. It just doesn't feel right, somehow. XD
I really have no idea how I am going to survive next week. I can't get my trip to Munich out of my head and it's making me totally excited anytime I give the briefest thought to it. XD Another trip to a foreign country, all by myself, just hoping that it will be all good, we'll meet without problems and we'll get along well with each other. *sigh* I can't wait to meet Her. I really caaaan't!
Besides, I am going to meet Sandra/Kato XD on Saturday too, which is awesome 8D <33 

Side info: I HATE Dissidia. XDD Right now I have problem with defeating the DAMN DIVA Kuja with Zidane. D8< I just suck with these magic-attacks, I need a proper SWORD! That's why I love to play as Sephiroth, Cloud or Squall the most. Oh I am so predictable XD But I will defead that bastard one day, I swear! >D 

I don't know what to write anymore.. I am going to read more of my book now and probably have a nap eventually. I need to kill the boredom somehow, geez, this is really riddiculous.